How'd you like this for an obit?

Marshall, legal foe of Nicole Smith, dies | Reuters.com

Listen, Bunky, you're not in Tehran any more.

"(The officer) asked me to take it off and said there’s this new rule we have or something like that," Lydia said.

Bandanna banned in Springfield mall

You're in Missouri.

SPRINGFIELD (AP) - A southwest Missouri mall defended its dress code after a security guard told a 10-year-old girl her bandanna decorated with peace signs, smiley faces and flowers violated the mall’s code of conduct.

It's not clear whether the smiley faces violated the dress code or the bandanna itself did, but...

"The code of conduct is pretty clear, and, you know, I think common sense should prevail," said Les Morris, spokesman for Simon Property Group Inc., which owns the mall.

And in case you were wondering.,.

"There are things we sell that it’s OK to own them, but to use them in the mall setting is inappropriate," Morris said.

That's clear. Right?

So does this mean people have always wanted to marry their goats? Instinctwise?

My conservative instinct says there’s really nothing new under the sun.

Jonah Goldberg on New Media on National Review Online

I don't know. I keep trying to figure out what it is conservatives are trying to conserve. And I keep getting more and more confused.

If you want to know who the real cyberterrorists are....

Five spreadsheet files of data -- including names, birthdates and Social Security numbers of sailors and their relatives -- were found exposed on a Web site Thursday night during routine internal sweeps of the Internet for sensitive material, said Lt. Justin Cole, a spokesman for the Chief of Naval Personnel. He said the material was removed from the Web site within two hours.

Navy finds sailors' private info on Web / Latest in string of security gaps affects 28,000

Note what we have here is a sudden string of reports, not a sudden "string of security gaps."

Four other federal agencies and the District of Columbia government have reported similar problems since the beginning of May. [Emphasis mine.]

As far as I'm concerned - I'm just thinking here - before they collect any more data on me I wish they would find some geek who  could tell them how to keep the freakin' stuff of the web.

Let's. Not. Even. Think. About. This.

A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Man With Faulty Penile Implant Gets $400K

This was the "Dura-II" model, in case you were wondering (without thinking about it, of course).

Ummm, excuse me...

A total of 11 interceptors are now in silos as part of a rudimentary, multibillion-dollar shield -- nine at Fort Greely, Alaska, and two at Vandenberg Air Force Base in California.

CORRECTED-US general "very confident" on missile defense | Reuters.com

...but is the multibillon dollars just for the rudimentary part? Or are we talking about a rudimentary part of a multibillion-dollar thingie here? Not that it probably matters much, I'm just wondering here.

Also, you still have to pay for the minute.

"This rare phenomenon is a public health issue, and education is necessary to highlight the risk of using mobile phones outdoors during stormy weather to prevent future fatal consequences from lighting strike injuries," said Swinda Esprit, a doctor at Northwick Park Hospital in England.

Wired News: Storm? Leave Cell Phone Inside

Which would make it a consumer story too. I guess. If it were a story at all. Which, as far as I can see, it's not. Because any metal object in contact with the body increases the probability of internal injury and death by lightning strike.

Which means you should take off your tinfoil hat too.

Oh yeah, you definitely don't want to barbecue a warm pig.

Large refrigeration space is essential for storing the pig until you are ready to roast. Barbecue experts suggest using the back of a pickup truck filled with ice.

Planning a pig roast? Some things to consider - Boston.com

Chalk up a win for science here.

An idea so "out there" it died in Bennigan's test kitchen: Cheeseburger Cones.

USATODAY.com - Cheeseburger couplings match 2 favorites

Yeah it's a small win but any win will do these days.

Pretty much the only reason I ever read USA Today is so I can say USA Today today, and USA Today today has a couple of other weird items. Today. One concerns a "landmark" book store in Denver, "the famed Tattered Cover Book Store," that's moving to a new location. This "landmark" book store has been in business 34 years. Hey, I have kids older than that. Two of them (yea Glenn!). So what does that make me?

And then, just to really twist the time warp, there's a letter from some guy upset by the "Da Vinci Code" movie compaining, "Christianity and Christians have been vilified, hated and pilloried for decades." Well, yeah. Two hundred decades, more or less. But I got the distinct impression he meant pilloried in the United States and, Dude, I don't know that any Christians have ever been pilloried in the United States unless it was other Christians doing the pillory...ing.

Remind me to see about getting one of those "expert" jobs.

TOKYO (Reuters) - More sex.

That's what one expert says is needed to solve Japan's baby shortage.

Falling Japan birth rate due to lack of sex - Yahoo! News

Of course the story doesn't say what this one expert is an expert on. Could be, I don't know, maybe making bricks or something. Or putting salt on the fries. But still. Doesn't seem all that difficult.

No! Don't lean on...

A contractor's employee installing a structural steel platform at an ethylene plant in Corunna, Ontario, mistakenly activated a process shutdown switch on Monday afternoon, halting production and forcing two weeks of repairs at the facility.

Worker flicks wrong switch, costs Nova $11 mln - Yahoo! News

...that.

And, well, also me.

Urgent! is a game, in 3D format, which aims to educate toilet users on proper toilet hygiene and toilet etiquettes. The toilets must be kept clean, and all germs should be disinfected before it comes in contact with patrons of the toilet such as elderly and pregnant women.

World Toilet Organization

And you were worried about kids playing Grand Theft Auto.

Unlike reality, it does not take much to amend a mistake, just sell anythingyou don’t like off, and start to build again! Learn from your mistakes and reap the profits! So what are you waiting for? Start playing!

(Yup, that's a real link. Start playing!)

Anyway, that's why they called that thing in Boston a tea party.

"I am here to celebrate the 1956 revolution. The idea of a revolution is celebrating the notion that all men and women should be free," Bush said at the start of talks with Hungarian President Laszlo Solyom.

Bush praises Hungary, 50 years after uprising - Boston.com

Aides said Bush was the primary author of the short speech [go figure, huh?]. They said his remarks were intended as a simple remembrance of a historic time and not as a signal to the kettle Russia, which the pot Washington believes is backsliding on democracy.

Former ace Faux News anchor Tony Snow clarified, saying maybe Bush was talking about the Middle East.

In a perfect world, every state would have a sandwich.

State Rep. Kathi Anne Reinstein on Tuesday introduced a bill that would make the Fluffernutter the state sandwich. Barrios signed on as a co-sponsor of that bill, saying that he liked Fluff himself but did not want kids eating it every day for lunch.

'Fluff' flies in Massachusetts school lunch debate - Boston.com

Well OK there is that thing about the kids. But otherwise.

A man, a plan...

Apart from the issues of spiritual development that pave the way for ascension, there is also a glaring omission in the scientific research and development approach toward achieving human immortality: no one is working on converting the human body's fuel source from food to direct energy and the subsequent questions of how to deal with the mitochondria. The traditional scientific research community, despite their great leaps forward in genetic research, would presumably laugh at the idea that such a thing is even possible.

Ascension

Or so, at least, says Wiley Brooks, the founder of The Breatharian Institute of America, which is offering The Ultimate Billionaire's Worshops to to redress the traditional scientific community's cluelessness. From Jacob (that'd be the Jacob in Seattle or somewhere around there, somewhere in the top left corner) comes this report:

They interviewed the [Breatharian] “founder” on the Libertarian pod cast.  His class is 1 million dollars until September, and then it goes to 10 million.  The first stage of his “ascension “ plan is the following:

• Eat one double quarter pounded w/ cheese a day – can only get from McDonalds
• drink only diet coke

 
The best part is that there are no refunds under any circumstances.

Which, come to think of it, would only make sense.

Take that, traditional scientific community. Yeah, you heard what I said. Take that.

"Ya want me to do business with strangers?"

Daley's political base, the 11th Ward, came up more than 450 times as the sponsoring ward for job candidates.

UNDERNEWS: CHICAGO IS STILL CHICAGO

That's what Richie's old man, Chicago's original Daley, Da Mare himself, would say - did, in fact, say - when confronted with such namby-pamby accusations of patronage and political favoritism. So now we'll see if the kid has got the stuff.

Actually the kid has been doing a pretty good job as far as I can tell, unloading the Skyway on some suckers from overseas somewhere (while the New Yorkers still haven't managed to sell their bridge), venturing into urban farming, and some stuff. And although I haven't seen it myself I hear that new Centennial Park is a beaut. Chicago's still a city that works if you don't look too far into the dark corners so hey, Richie, give 'em hell.

Oh no no not pizza!

Henk Haagsman, a professor of meat sciences at Utrecht University, and his Dutch colleagues are working on growing artificial pork meat out of pig stem cells. They hope to grow a form of minced meat suitable for burgers, sausages and pizza toppings within the next few years.

Wired News: Test Tube Meat Nears Dinner Table

Pleeeease not pizza. Anything but pizza. And bratwurst. Pizza and bratwurst. You can have all the rest of it, OK, Dutch colleagues? But leave the pizza and the bratwurst out of it. There has to be something left to believe in - just leave us something. Please.

Speaking of which, it's take-the-garbage-to-the-curb day. Wednesday. And every Wednesday morning I check the tomato thing. It's sort of a round ball in my refrigerator that looks like a tomato, pretty much. A sort of tomatoey color with a greenish stem on top. Not a real tomato, because you can't get real tomatoes from grocery stores any more. Mine - my tomato thing - been in the fridge for a month now and still looks perfectly "fresh."

When I was in high school in Duluth I used to do gardening work for a neighbor every summer, and one day he told me to dig up his compost pile and put it on his flower beds. It was about a waist-high pile with grass clippings on top but I didn't have to dig too far down before it all turned into sort of mud. Which is, I guess, what a compost pile is supposed to do.

So I dug the whole thing up, right down to ground level. And there, right at the bottom, right in the center of the bottom, or where the bottom used to be before I dug the top up, I found a nice, juicy looking, bright red maraschino cherry.

Now don't feel so bad about my kitchen faucet.

BBC NEWS | Business | Thames Water misses leak target: "Though the volume of water lost has reduced, it still shed 894 million litres per day to leaks."

The thing about water is it goes wherever it damn well wants to. Doesn't it? And when it doesn't want to go anywhere it just sits. And we (people are really weird when you think about it) spend bazillions of dollars and who knows how much time trying to make it do something else.

Don't tell me you were thinking...

Dubai Company Still Controlling 22 American Ports... | The Huffington Post: "JOE MULDOON, FULLER & COMPANY: Since March 6th, Dubai Ports World has owned and controlled operations in 22 U.S. ports and that Congress now has dropped the provision that would prohibit their approvals...."

No. Neither was I.

Well, duh.

The Raw Story | Roll call: Senators reject investigation of war contract waste: "A similar measure was rejected last week."

They don't have time for this. I mean, get real. If they get all hung up investigating contracts who's gonna save marriage? And keep all those freakos from burning all those flags?

Doesn't exactly look like Springfield, does it?

Intercollegiate Studies Institute - ISI Books - American Conservatism

Well it doesn't exactly look like Chicago either. Or Toledo. Or even Dubuque. But did you know there's a Springfield in every state? Yeah, I'm pretty sure there is. And I bet it doesn't look like any one of them. Ah, well.

What I'm talking about is the front cover illustration on the just-released "encyclopedia of American Conservatism."

And by the way. The picture's pretty small so it's difficult to be sure but I don't see any cars on that road. And there sure ain't no busses. Or any tractors in the fields, or even a lawn mower. So that's kind of cool - no oil shortage, no pollution, no noise. Come to think of it, I don't see horses either. Or cows. Or people. Although there is something on that big yellow thing behind the house that casts a shadow - maybe that's a people. So maybe somebody lives there.

But not me.

Anyway, if nobody sees the picture does the picture really happen?

But there's a catch: About half of the time there's no one watching the camera images at the Tampa Port Authority's security center. Federal and state rules don't require ports to have officers monitor security cameras during the lowest maritime security alert level, called Marsec 1, said Peter Miller, the agency's security director.

UNDERNEWS: GREAT MOMENTS IN HOMELAND SECURITY

Fatally shot in the head.

Driskell is accused of fatally shooting Herman Winslow...when he turned around she drew an antique handgun she had hidden behindher back, put the gun to Winslow's head and fired up to four times,Detective D.B. Mathis said.

Lawyer objects to young age of jurors - Yahoo! News

Doesn't sound like the good detective can count very well if he's saying "up to four times." So maybe it would be difficult to determine if anybody has ever been unfatally shot in the head "up to four times."

I did see an inscription in Westminster Abbey once (I suppose it's still there) about some guy being "fatally shot in the head with a cannon ball" and I don't know, I'm just guessing here, but what I'm guessing is nobody's ever been unfatally shot in the head with one of those.

Hey, it works!

Ever try this? You use some tune to remember your grocery list. Like (to the tune of "I Feel Pretty")...

Need some coffee

And bananas

Don't need dinner but do need some bread

And a cookie

And maybe a little bag of chips.

Heh.

I dare say Tony Snow is an idiot.

"The president understands people's impatience -- not impatience but how a war can wear on a nation," Mr. Snow said on CNN. "He understands that. If somebody had taken a poll in the Battle of the Bulge, I dare say people would have said, 'Wow, my goodness, what are we doing here?' But you cannot conduct a war based on polls."

Tony Snow: Iraq Like Battle of Bulge

Ace Faux anchor never heard of World freakin War II?

Ahd what is it with the Rs and "my goodness"?

Picky, picky.

You have to admit, leaving a place worse off than Saddam Hussein kept it is not a bragging point.

AlterNet: Does the World See Bush As a Moron?

Last throes, but not like the last last throes.

Today at the National Press Club, Cheney was asked if he still believed that May 2005 was when the insurgency entered its “last throes.” He said he still did.

Think Progress » VIDEO: Cheney Reasserts That Iraqi Insurgency Entered Its ‘Last Throes’ In May 2005

The last last throes were more like starter throes. Which we will see in ten years. Or maybe 15, depending on whether 1995 was 2005 or not.

Oh just click the link and listen for yourself. Trickshot Dick understands it an that's all you really need to know.

Bushco cracks down on bogus election.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The United States on Monday imposed targeted financial sanctions on Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko and top officials of his government in response to what Washington called a fraudulent presidential election in March.

US imposes sanctions on Belarus officials - Boston.com

Oh. There.

So there's this babe - I mean babe - at the counter at CVS.

She's got a purse the size of a steamer trunk. I mean big. And she's digging around in it looking for her CVS card which is of course hanging on her key chain the whole time but she doesn't figure that out till later. And then her phone rings. It's Joe. So now she's got only one hand left for the purse. And when she notices the card on the key chain then her wallet, from which she needs to excavate some cash. Whereupon she knocks some gum off the rack and, being some kind of neat freak, has to pick all that up and put it back in place nice and tidy. And finally Joe agrees they will have to do it some other time.

I didn't ask for details. But when it was my turn I got not one but two coupons for headache pills. From CVS.

So at least they got that much right.

Even the animals are more polite.

"The bear didn't appear to be aggressive and wasn't destroying the house, so they just let it do what it was doing and eventually the bear decided to make its way out of the residence and down toward a forested gully," Skelton said. "It ended the best it could."

Newsvine - Bear Eats Oatmeal in Woman's Kitchen

Gotta love those Canuk bears. Well-mannered and health-conscious too. Not like that Bambi-gone-bad in Ohio the other day.

Blake says she tried to shut the door, but the deer knocked it off track and then knocked into Blake and started stomping her.

Deer gets inside house, attacks Ohio woman - Yahoo! News

Of course if you had to live in Ohio you might get a little cranky yourself.

Is it getting a little bit depressing around here or did I just forget to take my pill?

Crop seeds are the source of human sustenance, the product of 10,000 years of selective breeding dating to the dawn of agriculture. The "doomsday vault," as some have come to call it, is to be the ultimate backup in the event of a global catastrophe -- the go-to place after an asteroid hit or nuclear or biowarfare holocaust so that, difficult as those times would be, humankind would not have to start again from scratch.

WP: 'Doomsday vault' to hold seeds - washingtonpost.com Highlights - MSNBC.com

Uh-huh. Global catastrophe. Don't want to wipe out the seeds. Also, don't want to wipe out Maryland.

On Monday, June 19, about 4,000 government workers representing more than 50 federal agencies from the State Department to the Commodity Futures Trading Commission will say goodbye to their families and set off for dozens of classified emergency facilities stretching from the Maryland and Virginia suburbs to the foothills of the Alleghenies. They will take to the bunkers in an "evacuation" that my sources describe as the largest "continuity of government" exercise ever conducted, a drill intended to prepare the U.S. government for an event even more catastrophic than the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks....

But for all the BlackBerry culture, the outcome is still old-fashioned black and white: We've spent hundreds of millions of dollars on alternate facilities, data warehouses and communications, yet no one can really foretell what would happen to the leadership and functioning of the federal government in a catastrophe.

"Back to the Bunker" - Washington Post

A catastrophe that involves them, that is. Directly. We pretty much do know what happens if the catastrophe involves somebody else.

And yes, this is another FEMA production. You were wondering?

What, they don't have brush to clear in Kyrgyzstan?

BISHKEK (Reuters) - Kyrgyzstan's leader banned top officials in his Central Asian state from taking holidays until later this year as a punishment for not doing a good job.

All work and no play for government? - Yahoo! News

Chocolate-covering their bets.

In a move that recognizes the modern world's twin obsessions — indulgence and guilt — chocolate maker Nestle said Monday it would purchase weight loss product maker Jenny Craig Inc. for $600 million.

The Raw Story | Chocolate maker buys Jenny Craig

This is like some company - I don't remember which one it was, or maybe still is - that makes birth control pills and diapers. Well not exactly like. I mean. But sorta.

Next they'll have their own TV show.

The average leader of a Chicago street gang is 43, and more often than not he lives in the leafy suburbs of Cook County....

The profile of the typical Chicago gang leader as a graying, suburban, technology-friendly convict overseeing hundreds -- or even tens of thousands -- of members in everything from mortgage fraud to drug dealing emerges from The Gang Book, a new 272-page illustrated guide by the Chicago Crime Commission.

Gangs migrate to 'burbs,

Among the Crime Commission's suggestions for controlling gang activity - at least among those that impressed the Sun-Times' crime reporter - is limiting hand gun sales to one per month. One per month per person that would be, I suppose. If some of those Vice Lords have been buying one hand gun per month since I knew them they must own about 400 apiece by now. But, hey. It can get pretty dangerous in those 'burbs, ya know.

Or maybe the monkeys will get the bomb and that will settle everything.

But scientists say the ethically charged work will help them better understand disease and hopefully cure some illnesses. They argue their work will never result in the birth of any living being, but lets them experiment with human disease without using people.

Mixing animal and human cells gets more exotic - Boston.com

Yeah, I don't know. Usually I'm not timid about technology. I figure if we're gonna blow ourselves up anyway we might as well do it with some style. And an MP3 soundtrack. But how can it be a human disease if a monkey's got it? It'd be a monkey disease then, wouldn't it? I'm just asking here.

This thing about putting human brain cells in monkeys is a little weird. I mean, seems to me we need all the brain cells we can get right now. And even that might not be enough. So why give the monkeys any, is what I'm saying. That's all.

This is just turning into a farce, isn't it?

The computer was stolen Monday from the Washington home of an employee of ING U.S. Financial Services, said officials with the company, which administers the district's retirement plan.

Computer with D.C. workers' data stolen - Yahoo! News

This time, 13,000 records. Hello. Is anyone home?

Let's have Skip-a-Shower day.

WASHINGTON -- Gritty rats and mice living in sewers and farms seem to have healthier immune systems than their squeaky clean cousins that frolic in cushy antiseptic labs, two studies indicate. The lesson for humans: Clean living may make us sick.

Wired News: You Dirty, Healthy Rat

Ever have one of those days when you want to skip breakfast and get right on with lunch?

Oh man I made pot roast last night and there's this nice big leftover slice just sitting in the fridge saying SANDWICH. Nope, that'll never make it to noon.

Would that include the part where it says "not for identification"?

Obtaining an authentic-looking Social Security card with a made-up or stolen number is easy, according to undocumented workers, who said they purchased them outside T stations or from friends.

Fake IDs are rife at state job sites - The Boston Globe

Yeah, it's a problem with the Social Security number thing, but why blame the whole thing on mopes like this?

One laborer who helped build the new jail in Billerica submitted a number that should have immediately raised eyebrows: 666-66-6666.

Why not blame it on all the insurance companies and banks and employers and Congressbimbos and all the various and sundry other people who were too lazy to figure out a system of their own and so just picked up a number - and a good number, too - and used it for their own purposes in a way it was never intended to be used in the first place? Whew. That was a long sentence, huh?

I mean, look. The thing about being a geezer is you remember stuff. Like how, when Social Security was a new thing, there was a lot of controversy over the number idea because it smacked too much of "national ID" and people were worried about things like that back then, there being Nazis running around all over the place and such, not like today. The worried part, I mean. So the Gummint said, hey don't worry, nobody'll ever know this number except you and the SSA. We'll print it right here on the card, see? Not to be used for identification.

Didn't work out that way. And whose fault is that? 666-66-6666's? I think not.