(It’s the Onion.)
"The Late Show host scored his biggest points against the governor by asking him if he ever smoked marijuana when he was young. When Kasich answered affirmatively, he asked if the governor was ever caught by police.
“'No, I never was,' Kasich replied with an unnecessarily hearty laugh."
"A Reddit user named Fiona, who posts as irishchick14, shared a photo of her 6-year-old son's math test on the social-sharing platform this week, writing: 'This is why my son is going places.'"
H/T Some Guy in Seattle
"Such is the latest Mexican revenge against the Republican presidential candidate, a popular play by a group of Mexican comedians called “Los Hijos de Trump,” or “Sons of Trump,” that has been playing in Mexico City’s Aldama Theater.…From bashable Donald Trump piñatas to Halloween masks with swooping manes, the candidate has often been met with mockery."
"The academy has occupied a central place in Carson’s tale for years. According to a story told in Carson’s book, “Gifted Hands,” the then-17 year old was introduced in 1969 to Gen. William Westmoreland, who had just ended his command of U.S. forces in Vietnam, and the two dined together. That meeting, according to Carson’s telling, was followed by a “full scholarship” to the military academy.
"West Point, however, has no record of Carson applying, much less being extended admission."
"Osbourne, who was arrested for that devilish deed some 33 years ago, was surrounded by more than 100 cheering fans as he solemnly approached historic building at around 4 p.m. local time."
I missed this story when it happened 33 years ago. Why can’t I just miss it again?
"The man allegedly blamed the tires being cold for having no grip on the road.
"Ferrari only built 499 LaFerraris, a 950 horsepower hybrid that can hit 62 mph in under three seconds."
“Man bites dog” wasn’t good enough for this guy? He had to go for the eye thing too?
Let’s just remember not one but two people running for president right now are from this state.
"Darwin Perez Gonzalez, 34, was stabbed and killed in a fight that started when he took the last piece of chicken at a dinner with friends, according to KHOU News, a Texas CBS affiliate."
(Update: After this fact check appeared, Carson’s Facebook post was edited to read “no federal elected office experience.” There was, of course, no “federal” government at the time.)
"They burned a lot of cheap fossil fuels, filled the atmosphere with heat-trapping gases, and will probably never pay the costs of averting catastrophic climate change or helping their grandchildren adapt to a warmer world. They took control of Washington at the turn of the millennium, and they used it to rack up a lot of federal debt, even before the Great Recession hit."
"Patrick Murphy, by the way, is the Democratic "establishment" choice to run for Marco Rubio's entirely vacant Senate seat in Florida. He will be opposed in the primary by Congressman Alan Grayson, who is partisan and loud and, therefore, not a fit candidate for a serious governing political party. Murphy, on the other hand, is pretty much a sublet of the financial services and banking industries. Buy him and he'll stay bought."
"Easy to make fun of, hard to take off, yoga pants have for many people become the sartorial version of Google Maps."
“I’m in my nascent stages of building what it means to wear ‘accidental fur.’ ”
"The PTO [Patent and Trademark Office] has registered hundreds if not thousands of marks that the Team believes are racist, or misogynistic, vulgar, or otherwise offensive," the appeal claims.
"At one point, Ben Carson’s campaign reportedly proposed allotting a minimum of five minutes for opening and closing statements for every candidate, which, given 15 remaining candidates, would take up at least an hour and 15 minutes alone."
"'Volkswagen has once again failed its obligation to comply with the law that protects clean air for all,' Cynthia Giles, the EPA’s assistant administrator for enforcement, said at a news conference."
I used to have a VW—it would never think of doing anything evil. In fact, it wouldn’t do much of anything at all, especially uphill. Or into a stiff breeze. How did it ever become an international villain like this? Go figure.
"A senior United States military official said the United States had encouraged the Kurdish militia to create an umbrella group that would make more sense to an international audience…"
Time to get Broadway involved, looks to me.
"In Tampa on Monday, Bush hopes to begin a political comeback. He will give a speech presenting himself as a problem-solving politician…"
…yada yada yada.
The most depressing thing of all is that, of the legions of Rs running for the nomination now, Jeb is probably the only one who might actually do the job.
"A conflict of interest could be afoot at the Commission on Presidential Debates if Hillary Clinton gets the Democratic presidential nomination. Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, is an honorary chairman on the commission leadership board."
Granted it’s from the Daily Caller, that little Tucker’s web site, but still. It’s so Clinton it has to be true, doesn’t it?
"Campaigning in Iowa this weekend, [Ted Cruz] slammed the CNBC debate moderators for asking questions in a way that he said "illustrate why the American people don't trust the media." He was cheered after calling for future debates to be moderated by conservatives such as radio host Rush Limbaugh."
Minnesota loses the Little Brown Jug to Michigan by 3 points and 6 inches. 29-26; Hinsdale (IL) Central loses to Neuqua Valley 29-26 in the state high school playoffs; the Mets lose to KC, going down 3-1 in the series and Daniel Murphy is the goat (how poetic is that?).
"“And conservative women from Sarah Palin to Michele Bachmann to Carly Fiorina are long used to this,” Fiorina said. “It will not stop me."
"The only actual interesting thing about Carson is that he raises a question we rarely get the chance to contemplate: How can a man who is so obviously distinguished and brilliant in one field be such an across-the-board nincompoop in another?"