The idea of signing up residents who are seeking U.S. citizenship is gaining traction as a way to address a critical need for the Pentagon, while fully absorbing some of the roughly one million immigrants that enter the United States legally each year.
Signing up? For...? Ah. The military, of course. Ladies and Gentlemen, now introducing...The American Foreign Legion.
Foreign citizens' serving in the U.S. military is a highly charged issue, which could expose the Pentagon to criticism that it is essentially using mercenaries to defend the country," writes Bryan Bender in the Boston Globe (here published in the International Herald Tribune). Mercenaries? Ya think?
The proposal to induct more noncitizens, which is still largely on the drawing board, has to clear a number of hurdles. So far, the Pentagon has been quiet about specifics, like who would be eligible to join, where the recruiting stations would be, and what the minimum standards might involve, like English proficiency.
Well, Pentagon, allow us to help you out a bit. No Muslims, of course - hey, just one of them in Congress has got the wingnuts quivering in fear. Imagine what a whole platoon would do. And none of those Mexicans - we've got way too many of them already. They're trying to take over Arizona! I think the Germans and Italians already have an army of their own. And we certainly don't want no Fr**ch. Or gays.
Australians would be OK except, well, there's that English thing. I'm not sure exactly what "English proficiency" you're looking for, Pentagon. I thought being able to say "yes, Sir," and "clusterfuck" was pretty much enough. But then I was in the old black boot Army and maybe things have changed. Anyway, maybe one or two guys with a little Arabic proficiency would be a good idea. Or one of those other funky Mid-East languages. You know. Whatever.
Or maybe we could snatch ourselves some Canucks.
A recent change in U.S. law, however, gave the Pentagon authority to bring immigrants to the United States if it determines it is vital to national security. So far, the Pentagon has not taken advantage of it, but the calls are growing to use this new authority.
Indeed, some top military thinkers believe the United States should go as far as targeting foreigners in their native countries.
Begging the question what might be meant by "top military thinkers" - that really is a mind-bending concept, isn't it? - you've gotta admit, there's a good, tried-and-true idea there: press gangs. Why not? Beats a draft.
And by the way - what exactly are they talking about, "fully absorbing," anyway?
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