Onion ratchets up the fear

WASHINGTON—In an emergency press conference held this morning, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff urged the American public to be on the lookout for a folder that was misplaced sometime in the last 24 hours, most likely in the DHS offices, but also possibly anywhere else....

"It is of the utmost importance that you go about your daily routine as if nothing vital to the country's very sovereignty has fallen into the hands of hostile forces hell-bent on destroying the United States," Chertoff said. "Hopefully, the folder will turn up soon."

The press conference concluded with Chertoff raising the National Threat Advisory to red, thereby placing the country under martial law until the folder is returned.

(More! More!)