Watch yourself there, dude

We bought a new bicycle the other day. Nothing spectacular, just a hybrid that my wife can ride around the neighborhood and on the bike path. But if you love bicycles the way I do -- the way the Curmudgeon-in-Chief loves technical toys -- any new bike is pretty exciting.

The bike is from Cannondale -- the company that until recently boasted its bikes were "Handmade in the U.S.A." but now admits they're machine-made in China. And it came with a 96-page owner's manual. Four pages were boilerplate and two, the booklet made a point to say, were intentionally left blank, just in case we thought there was a printing error and we were missing the secrets of cycling success -- you know, the stuff that made Lance Lance.

But there are no secrets, and no real wisdom. There are, however, 85 warning boxes, each with a bright orange header in an otherwise black and white booklet. And there are 10 non-orange (and presumably, less urgent) caution boxes. Most of the warnings are things you could figure out yourself -- like the one that says that if your wheel isn't properly secured, it could fall off, which could be rather painful if you're riding at the time.

All these warnings reminded me of the paper cup your friendly barista serves your morning joe in -- the one that informs you that your coffee is, or should be, hot and you really need to be careful not to spill it, especially in certain tender spots. Although it really doesn't say all that, just that coffee is hot. So be careful.

Then, when I was cutting the grass, I noticed a tag on the lawn mower that told me that if I stick my hand or foot under it when it is running, I may be missing a portion of a limb.

All of this, I'm sure, is the product of a bunch of lawyers covering their corporate butts. The thinking, it seems, is that if we warn you that if you fall off your bike you could hurt yourself, so be careful, OK? And, since we warned you, you can't sue us. So go away.

But it's more than just lawyers. Did you ever notice that when you -- or anyone -- climb up on a ladder, the first thing someone says is, "be careful up there," as if that thought had never occurred to you.

–Paul Knue