Do not try to tell jokes in speeches (unless you are a professional comedian)

How many times do I have to tell you people?

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Back in the day, high school English teachers used to tell kids to always start a speech with a joke. To "loosen your audience up." Maybe they still do. They're wrong.

Back in the same day (and maybe still) there was a luncheon club for actual grown-up people, called the Toastmasters Club, where members got together to practice speech-making skills among themselves. They used to tout the same thing. They were wrong too.

Seriously. If you're going to make a speech, have something to say. If you have something to say, you don't need jokes. If you try to tell a joke, you will screw it up.

Also, it's pretty much impossible any more to tell a joke without offending somebody in your audience. So just don't.

(Keep this in mind, Joe.)