I go to the DMV

My driver's license expires next month. All that was really needed for the renewal, I thought, was to fill out a form that came in the mail and take an eye test. I was out and about this afternoon so I figured I'd stop at the DMV and get it done.

Now, my old license had a picture of me on it that was more or less not too bad. It was taken only last year. In the previous picture - the one before last year - I had hair on the top of my head and none on the bottom and when I signed up for a cell phone account, a year ago, the clerk commented the picture on my license looked nothing like, well, me (she accepted the ID anyway, of course). That got me thinking, what with all the ID craze going around these days, maybe I ought to have the picture re-made so I went in last year and had my license re-made. I knew it would have to be renewed again this year but in the past the picture would just carry forward. And it seemed to have been a good move because the picture that was taken last year actually had a strong resemblance to my face.

Now it turns out - today - the State has a new policy that says you can't be wearing glasses for your ID picture. (What's that about? The facial recognition software, maybe?) Which is weird, because my license has a restriction that requires me to wear glasses when I drive. And I wear them all the time anyway.

So it was, literally, up-against-the-wall time, and after the picture was taken the clerk flashed me a copy on a burned-out video monitor that was underneath the counter on the other side of the aisle - and me standing there without my glasses - and asked if the picture was OK. Sure, I said, what the hell. I figured she was looking at it too and if she thought it looked like me it probably did, and anyway I was feeling grumpy without my glasses, like I'd just got out of bed.

Then I had to render a signature on one of those plastic terminals like they use for credit cards in stores. Not only can I not write on one of those slippery things - the stylus slips every which way, like it has a will of its own - but this one was out of register so when I moved the stylus on the plastic a line appeared about a half inch away. On my first try, my signature dropped out of the box. On my second, only half did. The clerk asked, was I satisfied. Sure, I said, what the hell.

So now I have a brand new ID with a picture that looks nothing like me - I mean nothing - and a signature that doesn't look like mine. I get stopped for speeding, I'll wind up in Cuba.

So much for "Real ID."