WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Effective immediately, all workplaces in the United States will be fitted with inflatable slides to enable disgruntled employees to quit as dramatically as possible.
According to a new study commissioned by the U.S. Department of Labor, workers are less likely to suffer from stress and “go off” at the workplace if they know that leaving their job is just one inflatable slide away.
This morning's The Wizard of Oz Google doodle shows once again that the search engine seems to hate round numbers.
KABUL, Afghanistan — An ambitious military operation that Afghan officials had expected to be a sign of their growing military capacity instead turned into an embarrassment, with Taliban fighters battering an Afghan battalion in a remote eastern area until NATO sent in French and American rescue teams....
“There are a lot of lessons to be learned here,” said a senior American military official...
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R) is breaking a major pledge as he quietly reaps $97.5 million in federal stimulus funds to extend unemployment benefits to countless individuals in the Palmetto State.
Just over a year ago, Sanford warned that the $700 billion aid package "ain't that far from a thing called slavery."
According to a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 65 percent of Americans absolutely required a chewy center bursting with flavor, while 88 percent expressed a strong preference for a glazed and powdered top drizzled with double the delicious frosting. Seventy-two percent said they would accept a creamier core, but only if there were a couple of sinfully irresistible spoonfuls in every batch.
LOS ANGELES – Paris Hilton was sued Wednesday for allegedly wearing someone else's hair.
...that's me. Really. Ever since I discovered I could just ask my phone what time it is by just pinching the little thing on the earbud wire and, well, asking (you never know until you try) I ask every minute or two just so I'm not out of the loop or anything, if you see what I mean, but his afternoon on the way home from the drugstore I asked for the time and the nice lady computer's voice got it wrong. Five hours wrong. So what's with that?
When I got home I investigated and the time on the face of the phone said 7:15 but the time on the world clock app (we say stuff like that here in appsville) said 2:15, which is right. Of course on a phone the network should be taking care of all that, but I opened the date control and noticed the time zone was set to Washington, DC, which should be the same time we have here, but just to be sure I changed the location from Washington to Boston and the whole clock glitch corrected itself and everything's been fine since that.
So next time somebody tells you they don't know what time it is in DC they just might be right.
Poltical Wire - Upon hearing news that Levi Johnston wanted his job, Wasilla, Alaska Mayor Verne Rupright tells Entertainment Tonight, "Well, it is a little early to declare. Usually most wait until the year the seat is up." He adds: "But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi's grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that."
Owners of Apple's iPhone on average have more sex partners by age 30 than those who own other handsets
...now they tell me?
LONDON (AFP) – "Health tourists" flocking to south Asia have carried a new class of antibiotic-resistant superbugs to Britain, researchers reported Wednesday, warning that the bacteria could spread worldwide.
"Health tourists" are people who go out of the country for health care, primarily because it's cheaper than staying here.
(And as you may recall from a previous note on this blog, antibiotic research in the U. S. lags. Not enough profit in it, says Pharma.)
Newt Gingrich is the latest Republican to speak out against the Muslim community center planned for near Ground Zero, arguing on his Web site that New York should ban the lower Manhattan mosque "so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia."
With the worst jobs crisis since the Great Depression worsening, you might expect emergency action out of Washington. But the biggest upcoming debate there is whether to extend the Bush tax cuts for the richest 2 percent, or for everyone, or for no one. This is like debating whether or not to get a mousetrap when your home is sinking in quicksand.
GENEVA (Reuters) – The H1N1 flu virus has run its course and the pandemic is over, the head of the World Health Organization said on Tuesday.
"We are now moving into the post-pandemic period," WHO Director-General Margaret Chan told a teleconference....
The relationship between Apple and AT&T has been a controversial one, as some customers have been vocal in their displeasure with AT&T's service.
I will be extremely happy when there's finally an iPhone for Verizon (there's been a new rumor about this every week for the last 100 years, in case you haven't been paying attention) and all the people who want to sign with Verizon and deal with Verizon's crummy customer service do. And shut up.
I live in an out-of-the-way place, telephonically (and every other way as well), so probably my experience is not typical but I have no reason to think anybody else has better service than AT&T does here (I had a Cingular account before Cingular became AT&T, so I made that determination a long time ago). I like the way AT&T handles rollover minutes and AT&T's new rate plan saves me $15 per month, no strain. And AT&T is the only U.S. wireless carrier with a union (the Communication Workers of America, a union I myself belonged to briefly years ago).
So I'll be staying with them.
US military judge seals sentence for Guantanamo detainee who struck plea deal with prosecutors
This will not end well.
The menu includes the Fluffer Butter, marshmallow spread sandwiched between two Pop-Tarts frosted fudge pastries; the Sticky Cinna Munchies, cinnamon rolls topped with cream-cheese icing and chunks of Pop-Tarts cinnamon-roll variety; and Ants on a Log?, which is celery, peanut butter and chunks of the Wild Grape version.
And then there’s the Pop-Tarts Sushi, three kinds of Pop-Tarts minced and then wrapped in a fruit roll-up. “We did an internal tasting here at the building, and it was the winner,” said Etienne Patout, senior director at the Pop-Tarts brand, part of the Kellogg Company.
At midnight on July 15, Arizona’s Department of Public Safety pulled the plug on dozens of speed cameras that criss-crossed state highways, part of a widely loathed program to catch traffic violators and control erratic driving. This at a time when every other government agency around the nation is steadily adopting as many enhanced security technologies as possible.
Of course, when they invent cameras that will only photograph brown people, well that would be a different story...
The history of junk food is a largely American tale: It has been around for hundreds of years, in many parts of the world, but no one has done a better job inventing so many varieties of it, branding it, mass-producing it, making people rich off it and, of course, eating it.
The first paragraph of Teddy Roosevelt's book, The Rough Riders:
During the year preceding the outbreak of the Spanish War I was Assistant Secretary of the Navy. While my party was in opposition, I had preached, with all the fervor and zeal I possessed, our duty to intervene in Cuba, and to take this opportunity of driving the Spaniard from the Western World. Now that my party had come to power, I felt it incumbent on me, by word and deed, to do all I could to secure the carrying out of the policy in which I so heartily believed; and from the beginning I had determined that, if a war came, somehow or other, I was going to the front.
Whatever you may think about the Spanish-American war (and yes, there's plenty to think about one way or the other - and mostly the other), try to imagine one of our wimpjob neo-cons writing a paragraph like that at the outbreak of our recent adventure in Iraq.
From a speech at the recent Networks conference by Elizabeth Warren, who many would like to see head of the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau...
If you're making a list of things that are likely to kill you, capitalism belongs right up near the top
Drug companies are abandoning the antibacterial business, citing high development costs, low return on investment and, increasingly, a nearly decade-long stalemate with the Food and Drug Administration over how to bring new antibiotics to market.
Got that? No improved antibiotics because they're not profitable enough. Go bugs.
It's probably also worth noting this Wall St. Journal article from last month -- with a subheadline warning: "Back to Stone Age" -- which describes how "paved roads, historical emblems of American achievement, are being torn up across rural America and replaced with gravel or other rough surfaces as counties struggle with tight budgets and dwindling state and federal revenue." Utah is seriously considering eliminating the 12th grade, or making it optional. And it was announced this week that "Camden [New Jersey] is preparing to permanently shut its library system by the end of the year, potentially leaving residents of the impoverished city among the few in the United States unable to borrow a library book free."